This is the sound of not settling...

Man, it's been a while. I mean, really, how long am I going to keep this thing going? I don't have an answer to that, but I know for certain that I am addicted to having a place to vent...a place to write words--even if no one reads them or knows to look for them. Besides that, I really like some of the stuff that exists on this blog; it would be a shame for me personally to delete it all and act like it didn't exist. So, even if only once every 4, 5, 6 months or more, I will continue to post here. And it's OK if no one knows. It's OK if no one reads. The important thing for me is that the words are there--that I wrote them and they exist.

I think I've had a breakthrough recently. A breakthrough facilitated by my beautiful wife finally telling me that I need to shit or get off the pot (although her phrasing was much more motivational and somewhat less crass). I am not getting younger. We now live in the performing/arts/entertainment capital of the free world. The time is now. It's not yesterday or tomorrow, but now--today. Today (August 27, '11) can be the day I look back on as the day I decided to turn my life back toward something meaningful. The day I finally forgave myself for not being able to make the record store work, and set my sights on the next big dream. Today can be the day I quit living days just to get through them, and started making them work for me--the day I started using my time the right way. It's taken the better part of a year, but I am done grieving for the loss of Tyrannosaurus Records, and I can begin seeing it as a valid learning experience to build on (more wisdom from Samantha--and, you know, until she said it that way it honestly hadn't occured to me).

I never had a better time than running TRx and feeling like it was actually building something. Now, I can take some of the most amazing parts and use them to build something else--and this time, it can work.

I have a new goal. The cynic in me cries out that it's much too Tony Robbins to ever really mean anything, but I don't care. The goal from here on out is to do something every day that helps me realize my dream. It could be something as simple as thoroughly and critically listening to an album, or writing a blog on this thing that no one reads, or practicing some cuts on the tables... It doesn't matter what--just do one thing every day that I can use, however indirectly, to get myself one millimeter closer to feeling like I want to feel and doing what I know I can do. And if I can take those steps every day, then today I will have taken the most important step--the first.

I am realizing that I've been conditioned to believe that you get exactly one shot at doing what you want, you can take it or leave it, and in the end it'll probably just leave you broken. I can see now that there's no way that's correct. Everything that happens in life keeps piling on skills, memories, and experiences that you keep using to achieve ever-changing and ever-growing goals. You don't ever have to be defeated. This whole time...I've been choosing defeat. Choosing it because I didn't think I deserved more. It stops now.

Music, I'm coming back to you. I've been gone for a while now, and it'll be a while before I return, but I am going to need you to set out my slippers and get my smoking jacket pressed. I'm coming back home to you--I'm going to woo you again. I can't make you love me, I can't make you give me everything I'm asking. But you may as well plan on giving me at least enough to keep me occupied, because I'm not going away. Can you hear me knocking? Music...dreams...Los Angeles...I'm coming for you all.

An Open Letter to Music

Dear Music,

Hi. I've been listening for a while. Long-time fan. Seriously. Not to gush, or anything, but I was always the one who was off listening to you while other kids were doing stuff outside, or playing video games. I wouldn't expect you to remember. It's OK. I just wanted to write to you to explain how you've helped shape me, and thank you for all the times you made my life a little more tolerable.

So, I was recently reading somewhere that you're like, 9000 years old...? That is amazing. I mean, you don't seem a day over 6000. You've aged really well. You're always finding new ways to evolve and change to fit whatever time you're in. I mean, that's really cool. A lot of us (humans, I mean) get all stuck with what we liked at a certain time in our lives, and never really learn the skills of adaptation to what is new. I know I'm still stuck on a lot of the stuff I used to like as a kid... I really admire that you can stay so vital.

Somewhere early on, I knew that my obsession with you would last a very long time.

I mean, I've seen you change a lot over the years, and I've done a lot of research about how you were before I was around. I am continually amazed that you can always be such an inspiration for people when it feels like they are losing reasons to keep trying. Just one of your many skills, I suppose. I remember this one time: I was having the week from hell--I mean, it was bad. It was like, you name it and it was going wrong, and I didn't have anyone around that I could really talk to about it...and there may have been a girl involved. I bet you hear this kind of stuff a lot, huh? Anyway, I won't bore you with the details, but I decided early on that I was going to have to lean on you a little bit to get through that. And the whole time, you were there, like a champion, to commiserate with me when I needed it and to lift me up when I was too far down. Likewise, I have soundtracks made of you that have accompanied all the best times in my life--you know: all those times when I was sitting behind glass, watching cars pass by in a state of utter contentment; or those first meetings with people I knew would be important to me, even though I didn't know how or why I knew that at the time--it was like you already knew, and you were trying to clue me in without saying too much.

I mean, you're perfect. You're amazing. I don't know how you do it. I know a lot of your fans are too cool to say these things. I know that I might not be so cool. I am OK with that this time. I think it is important that you know we aren't taking you for granted.

Anyway, I'll wrap this up by saying that the real reason I'm writing is that I have started falling in love with you even more recently. I mean there has always been love, of course. But lately, it's as though I am hearing you with new ears. You have somehow rejuvenated me--made me start to remember that there are things that can make me happy. I feel like you are teaching me lessons all over again, the way you did when I was just a kid, wearing flannel and trying desperately not to fit in. I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable by telling you all this. Like I said before, I just think you need to know.

So, y'know, just keep doing what you're doing. It's been a great run so far. And thanks again for everything. I'll be here, listening. We all will.

Respectfully,

nich

It's coming...

it's finally happening...

Time: Soon

Place: Renton, WA

The South Seattle area will finally have a musical epicenter. We will showcase all the emerging local talent in the Pacific Northwest. We will Rock. We will Roll. We will feel the music.

This is my promise to you, friends.

Are you ready? Will you join us...?

See you soon.

--ns

TRx