Sunday, August 28, 2011

This is the sound of not settling...

Man, it's been a while. I mean, really, how long am I going to keep this thing going? I don't have an answer to that, but I know for certain that I am addicted to having a place to vent...a place to write words--even if no one reads them or knows to look for them. Besides that, I really like some of the stuff that exists on this blog; it would be a shame for me personally to delete it all and act like it didn't exist. So, even if only once every 4, 5, 6 months or more, I will continue to post here. And it's OK if no one knows. It's OK if no one reads. The important thing for me is that the words are there--that I wrote them and they exist.

I think I've had a breakthrough recently. A breakthrough facilitated by my beautiful wife finally telling me that I need to shit or get off the pot (although her phrasing was much more motivational and somewhat less crass). I am not getting younger. We now live in the performing/arts/entertainment capital of the free world. The time is now. It's not yesterday or tomorrow, but now--today. Today (August 27, '11) can be the day I look back on as the day I decided to turn my life back toward something meaningful. The day I finally forgave myself for not being able to make the record store work, and set my sights on the next big dream. Today can be the day I quit living days just to get through them, and started making them work for me--the day I started using my time the right way. It's taken the better part of a year, but I am done grieving for the loss of Tyrannosaurus Records, and I can begin seeing it as a valid learning experience to build on (more wisdom from Samantha--and, you know, until she said it that way it honestly hadn't occured to me).

I never had a better time than running TRx and feeling like it was actually building something. Now, I can take some of the most amazing parts and use them to build something else--and this time, it can work.

I have a new goal. The cynic in me cries out that it's much too Tony Robbins to ever really mean anything, but I don't care. The goal from here on out is to do something every day that helps me realize my dream. It could be something as simple as thoroughly and critically listening to an album, or writing a blog on this thing that no one reads, or practicing some cuts on the tables... It doesn't matter what--just do one thing every day that I can use, however indirectly, to get myself one millimeter closer to feeling like I want to feel and doing what I know I can do. And if I can take those steps every day, then today I will have taken the most important step--the first.

I am realizing that I've been conditioned to believe that you get exactly one shot at doing what you want, you can take it or leave it, and in the end it'll probably just leave you broken. I can see now that there's no way that's correct. Everything that happens in life keeps piling on skills, memories, and experiences that you keep using to achieve ever-changing and ever-growing goals. You don't ever have to be defeated. This whole time...I've been choosing defeat. Choosing it because I didn't think I deserved more. It stops now.

Music, I'm coming back to you. I've been gone for a while now, and it'll be a while before I return, but I am going to need you to set out my slippers and get my smoking jacket pressed. I'm coming back home to you--I'm going to woo you again. I can't make you love me, I can't make you give me everything I'm asking. But you may as well plan on giving me at least enough to keep me occupied, because I'm not going away. Can you hear me knocking? Music...dreams...Los Angeles...I'm coming for you all.

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